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Book 'God's Lost Sheep' by Bridget Hendrix
Brigitte Bardot was a well known icon at that time and mother loved the name. Sounds feminine enough, right? One of many misnomers to come, I was barely a minute old, a healthy baby girl. My mother counted all my fingers and toes. All was present and accounted for. One thing she hadn’t counted on would soon rear its head during my Kindergarten years. In the late 60’s, parents didn’t have the luxury of a sonogram to determine the gender of their newborn. Most parents relied upon myths from old wives tales, such as carrying the baby high or low. High or low determined the possible gender of the baby. Each birth was a complete surprise, therefore picking out both male and female names was a necessity. My parents decided I would carry my father’s first name and my maternal grandfather’s middle name, if I were a boy. If I were a girl, I would be named after my mother’s best friend. The wee hours of the morning on May fifteenth, the waiting room was filled with anxious family members. Each member awaited the news of my arrival. As I gasped for my first breath of life outside the womb, a deep raspy wail echoed the halls. My father stood upright and said “It sounds like a boy”. My grandfather echoed his remark confirming that probability. Another misnomer surrounding my birth.
Kindergarten was my earliest recollection of having a fondness for another human being, her name was Mrs. Kennedy. I remember the day she took our class outside to look at the beautiful blooming flowers. I found the red roses to be particularly beautiful. I wanted her to have one because she was as beautiful as the rose that held my attention. As I reached in to pick one, I heard her say “Let’s not pick the flowers”. My little mind began to race, I could see this beautiful flower lying on her desk and it would be a present from me. I really wanted her to have that rose and I was just hard headed enough to try and pick it again. Much to my dismay she had to scold me for not obeying her request. My little heart was broken. Not only did I get scolded by the person I felt adoration for, she didn’t get the flower either. Many more disappoints were to come during that school year. My father had taken a new job, which meant I would have to change schools. I didn’t get to see Mrs. Kennedy again.
The following year, I recall sitting in the lunchroom for breakfast. There was a girl that sat down at my table. She had blonde hair and wore glasses; I think her name was Kim. I really wanted to talk to her but I felt shy, God knows I am not shy and this would be yet another misnomer. I believe the shyness I experienced had to do with the underlying motive. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. Can you imagine how that conversation would have gone had I declared my intention? Each morning I would sit in that same seat at the same table. I waited for her to return so I could engage her in some kind of conversation. I never saw her again.
At the age of seven, I discovered Charlie’s Angels as I changed the channels on our television. Farrah Fawcett was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Her smile, her feathered hair, her skin tone, she was astounding. I ran into the living room yelling for my mother. I wanted her to come into my room and look at this amazing person. I remembered saying “Mom, I want her to be my girlfriend!” That was the moment I realized I wasn’t suppose to like girls, at least not the way I wanted to. She tried to explain to me that girls liked boys and vice versa. I didn’t understand, I liked Farrah, not Charlie or Bosley. This was the first time I had heard the phrase that would forever be repeated, “It’s not normal”. Looking back at how innocent that moment was and how raw my feelings were. I ask, how religion can dispute something so real. It was so innocent, so real, so unadulterated. It wasn’t about lust or sexual deviated desires, it was the discovery of my identity.
I assume that most mothers feel the same when she realizes she is having a girl. Her mind fills with thoughts of hair bows and dresses. My mother wasn’t any different. When I look back at the family photographs during my earliest years, I was wearing both. I do remember not liking them, but at that age I didn’t have much of a choice. I remember one particular day as if it happened yesterday. I was in Kindergarten and getting dressed for school. My mother dressed me in a pretty dress, some lace socks, buckled shoes and pigtails. The bus stop was in front of our house and our mother had walked us out to wait on the bus. When she drove away, I went back into the house to change my shoes. I had a favorite pair but my mother wouldn’t let me wear them with my dress. I was determined to wear them. They were the prettiest gray hiking boots with red and black shoe strings. Aunt Brenda had bought them for me and I loved them. I wore them and a favorite pair of cowboy boots often, even with shorts. I put those hiking boots on and marched back to the bus stop. Yes, I did. I would love to know what my teachers were thinking. They probably wondered why my mother let me dress that way. Little did they know that my mother would be just as surprised. If you think that is hilarious, you should have seen the look on mom's face when I stepped off the bus. I am certain she would have spanked me, if she could have stopped laughing long enough to do so.
I have to tell you another story, it is another tomboy moment from my Kindergarten years. One afternoon I was outside playing with my GI Joe doll and horse. My doll had all the accessories that an adventurer would need. His horse was loaded down with a saddle, saddle bags and reigns. I had trails made in the dirt and bridges made out of Popsicle sticks. I dug holes in the dirt to use as trenches for GI Joe to hide in. I loved playing with my GI Joe doll as much as I did with my big yellow Tonka dump truck. This one particular day, GI Joe discovered some mountains. He decided he would climb these mountains rather than ride his horse up them. He tied his horse to the carport post, I mean to the tree. Then he began to climb the mountain hand over foot. I realized that I had left the canteen on the horse and GI Joe was going to need a drink soon. I placed his hands between the brick and mortar attempting to make him hang onto the wall. He kept falling onto the carport. I looked around the yard trying to find something that would hold him on the wall. I found a bobby pin and some string. I tied the string around his hand and to the end of the pin. I placed the pin between the bricks and into every crevice I could find, he kept falling. Looking around the wall for a place that would hold him and the pin, I found the electrical outlet. Oh yes, I did. I opened the cover and rammed the pin into one of the holes. The jolt I received got my undivided attention fast! I dropped the doll and ran into the house yelling for my mother. She could tell that I was shaken and slightly excited. I was trying my best to tell her what had happened but I was literally shaking all over. I imagine my words sounded a bit jumbled. If I could script my words, they would have read something like this: "I……GI Joe…..mountains…..bite me". I think she got the idea concerning what had happened.
My mind rushes back to my childhood. As a small child I had wished to be a boy. I verbalized this notion to my family, often asking my Uncle Woody if he could help me turn into a boy. I played with boy toys such as guns with holsters, dump truck, boy dolls, cowboy hats, boots and horses. I didn’t like wearing a shirt and didn’t for many years. I most always chose to play a male character while role playing. I preferred rough and tumble things to do outside rather than tea parties or dress up. I would take a pair of boxing gloves over a Barbie any day. I recall one Christmas when my family decided it was time I started acting like a little girl and not so much of a tomboy. I sat in the floor opening my gifts and the disappointment could be read all over my little face. Gift after gift was girl toys. I received Barbie dolls, dishes, hair bows, play make up and jewelry. With tear filled eyes I said a disheartening thank you for all my gifts. My grandmother Hendrix said “Sister, you have one more to open”. She handed me a very familiar flat square box. Grandma came through for me that Christmas; it was a black belted holster with guns! My cousin Greg and I couldn’t wait to go outside and play with them. To this day I still wonder why my Christian grandmother went against the grain and bought me that gun set. All I can say is thank you grandma and I love you.
As I became a little older, I entered into the curious stage. Summer games consisted of Hide and Go Seek and Chase. Eventually the game of chase became Kiss Chase, where the boys would chase the girls. If the boy caught the girl, he got to kiss her. I was uncomfortable with the game at first because I wasn’t the least bit interested in boys. Remembering the conversation about being ‘normal’ I began to push back my attraction for girls and reluctantly participated. Secretly, I would still fantasize about having a girlfriend or the boys chasing me were actually girls. However, I forced myself to have a boyfriend and tried to be as ‘normal’ of a kid as I was expected to be. Roger was my first boyfriend, he was so cute and sweet. We would write love notes to one another. They read like this: I love you, do you love me, check the box Yes or No. How innocent those notes were. My second boyfriend was Charles, he too was a cutie with curly locks. I had the biggest crush on his sister Catherine. She reminded me of Kristy McNichol’s character Buddy from the television hit series Family in the 1970’s. It goes without saying that I had a boyfriend, but had a bigger crush on his sister. And speaking of crushes, I need not forget about Nelly, of course a sister to my boyfriend Johnny.
By the time I reached the seventh grade, I wasn’t able to suppress my attraction for girls as easily. I found myself becoming attracted to some of my teachers and peers. My thoughts weren’t the only part of me that began to mature. I was becoming a teenager and trying to find my independence and identity. I developed crushes on older girls, mostly athletic girls. I was attracted more toward the tomboyish athletic girls with a touch of girlishness. During these discovery years I made plenty of teenage mistakes. I wasn’t mature in my cognitive skills to discern if another girl possibly had the same tendencies. Nor was I mature enough to realize the lasting effects of being wrong would have. It is inevitable, teens will test the waters and reap all consequences. Climbing on the hamster wheel of life.
It really is a terrible feeling to have a natural attraction to a certain gender but consciously making a choice to pretend it didn’t exist. There were guys that I found myself attracted to, it just wasn’t the same feeling I had for the girls. I allowed myself to embrace the ‘goings on’ during the adolescent years. Experimenting with the boys just made me more curious as if it was the same with a girl. I wanted to practice with the boys so that I wouldn’t feel so ackward when I met the right girl. Looking back now I cringe to think at how curious kids really were and the things we did and never got caught. And we didn’t have all the sex and violence on television as we have today. Nor would our parents permit us to watch that stuff. Kids are curious and believe me when I tell you they will experiment with their identity and sexuality; gay or straight.
Having to live life as a straight teenage girl was difficult. I say that because I desired to be with a girl but it was only acceptable to date guys. Most of the guys I had crushes on actually bared some resemblance to a girl I had a crush on. I really cared about the guys I dated but I learned to detach myself. I detached so that it wouldn’t become a habit and routine to the point it would give me a false sense of falling in love. It was really confusing to spend quality time dating a guy and developing real emotions, but yearning for female companionship. The truth of the matter is that in the long run it didn’t just affect me. It affected everyone involved. It wasn’t a deliberate choice, because I was expected to be ‘normal’ and date guys. I knew when I became older and capable of making my own decisions that I would chose a female. Having that expectation coupled with my intention it created a depressing detached state of mind. I look back now and see how society dictated my identity. I realize now why many women and men forced themselves to marry though they had the same identity and attraction. They pushed back their true attractions and sexuality because society would not accept them. They married and had children only to realize later in life they were not fulfilled and now living a life they were force to chose. It is bitter sweet because the love is real and the decisions are life altering. But the desire and needs that do not get fulfilled will ache from within. The sting of divorce and separation leaves so many questions. No one wins. Larry Wayne and Ray, I say to you both; I love you and I am sincerely sorry.
Trying to explain to someone how it feels to be in a relationship with a gender that society has deemed normal is not an easy task. I once explained it to my mother; the hypothetical scenario had a profound effect. I said to her; let’s pretend that society deems normal as male with a male and the same for females. For the sake of the scenario I am helping you to choose a partner for life. I told you that I had met the most beautiful and sweetest woman in the world. She has a great career and is loved by her community. She will treat you as an equal and never disrespect you. You both will have that house with the white picket fence. She will take you on vacation every year and lavish you with luxury. She is a spiritual person and believes that God is the center of any relationship. When I finished speaking, I asked my mother how did she feel and what her thoughts were. She said “Well honey, that all sounds wonderful, but I would rather have all that with a man. I am not attracted to women in that way.” I said to my mother “Exactly, so don’t pick me out a wonderful man because I am not attracted in that way either.”
Grandma Hendrix was a religious woman which meant we were in church often. As if I didn’t have a difficult enough time already with my identity under the pressure from society to be ‘normal’. Another curveball was about to be thrown at me. I sat in church one evening and felt my whole world come crashing down with one sermon. Hell fire, brimstone and heading straight to hell for being homosexual. There it was in black and white print. If a man lies with a man as he does with a woman, the blood shall be upon his head and he will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. What did all that mean and how was I going to sort it out? I was a teenager attracted to women, dating guys, forcing myself to be something that did not feel natural to me and now God had something to say about it. How much more was I going to be able to take? I needed to know why!
Why did my attraction feel normal to me? The supposed normal lifestyle wasn’t inherent for me. So why, why was God sending me to hell for something I had no control over. Emotionally I was hurt because God wouldn’t accept me the way he created me. The more I read and was preached to about bowing down to God and being submissive to God’s will for my life, the more resentful I became. I didn’t understand why God would create me with the basic desire I had. Create this beautiful place called earth and want me to inhabit it. Give me the choice of free will and cover me by grace, but yet turn his back on me. The only rational thing to me was to detach myself from God the way I learned to detach from societies standards. If I had to continue to live a life against my innate being in order to be pleasing to God, I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him. I struggled with that decision for almost fifteen years. I knew I loved God and wanted to be his child. But I wasn’t the one imposing rules and refusing to be just.
The quote I began to despise the most was “love the sinner, hate the sin”. It took years before I finally realized that a relationship with God was between just the two of us. Other people’s interpretation and opinion really didn’t determine where I would spend eternity. Once I understood that concept, my whole way of thinking changed. The first time God revealed this truth to me, I had just entered into my 30’s. It didn’t come without a lot of tears, questions and hardships.
My first revelation was at my grandmother’s house, the same lady that saved Christmas. I had been living openly gay for the past eight years. Grandma Hendrix knew about my lifestyle but we never discussed it. I would stop by her house from time to time to visit. On this particular day I couldn’t fight back the urge to talk with her about my sexuality. There was something I needed to know and I was certain she had the answer. Before I get into the specifics of our conversation I want to share a story with you. My grandmother was a God loving and fearing woman. Her faith was unshakable. I have many fond memories of spending the night and going to church with her. One summer when I was in my mid teens, I had gotten really sick. I was lying in bed asleep one night when I was awakened by my ears ringing. I woke up in a puddle of sweat and feverishly hot. Everything around me was eerily quiet. I shared a room with my sister, so I doubled checked to see if she was in bed. She was asleep. I went throughout the house checking each room, everyone was asleep. My ears were still ringing and I felt so light headed and hot. Everything was just too quiet. What could possibly be going on? I didn’t feel bad before I went to bed so why was I sweating like this and why were my ears ringing? Could it possibly be the rapture, were we all left behind? Were the tribulation years about to begin? My mind immediately thought of grandma. If the rapture really came, she would be gone. I didn’t want to wake her but I had to know. If she answered her telephone then I would be okay. If she didn’t answer her phone then I knew the rapture had taken place. I dialed the number and heard the first ring, then the second ring, then the third ring. Finally, her soft voice answered on the other end “hello”. I thanked God that she answered that phone.
Back to the conversation that grandma and I had that day. This question that had haunted me for many years was burning in my gut. I had to ask her, she would have God’s truth. I knew she would tell me her honest opinion, no matter how hard it may be to accept. It wasn’t that I had faith that her answer was right. I had faith that her walk with God was so personal that the Holy Spirit within her would guide me. I said “Grandma, you have known me all my life. You watched me grow from an infant to the woman I am today. You know that I am in a relationship with a woman as a couple. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to be this way. You heard me ask to become a boy when I was younger. You know that I wanted to play with boy toys. It has always been this way. I am not attracted to men the way I am to a woman. Grandma, am I going to hell for being who I am?” Her pause was long. Grandma was a person that wanted you to look at her when she was speaking to you. She looked me eye to eye and spoke. She said “Sister, I have read that bible many times. I do know you. Bridge, this is between you and God.” At that moment I knew the God that I so deeply loved had never turned his back on me. I realized at that moment that I had let human opinion run me away from a relationship with God. I allowed people to beat me over the head with religion as did the Pharisees and Sadducee's in Christ’s days. I realized that homosexual people had been scattered like lost sheep from God’s flock by organized religion. On that day I felt like the lost sheep that was placed over the shepherds shoulder and brought back to the flock. He came back for me when the wolf scared me away from the flock. I had been lost and searching. I heard His voice calling unto me. He rejoiced when he found me wandering. He placed me across his loving shoulders and brought me home. He came for me alone, not with many other sheep herders. He had something to say that mattered just to the two of us.
By no means am I implying that I am justified more to be accepted as gay because of my tomboyish characteristics as a child. Each individual goes through a unique experience while discovering their true identity. Some girls like tea parties and dress up while others prefer trucks and boxing gloves. Some boys like sports and hunting while others prefer dolls and pretty things. Regardless, a gay child is a gay child. I am simply sharing my experience during my journey as it unraveled. I didn’t want this book to start out with all the religious rhetoric. I want you to walk with me, to understand and to challenge your belief system about homosexuality. To challenge what society deems as normal, but undoubtedly is an undeniable truth that lives within each individual.
I was baptized at the age of ten by my favorite preacher, brother Decker. I had made the life changing decision to be a child of God, repented of my sins and was washed in the blood of Christ by baptism. All my sins were washed away, right? According to organized religion my sins were washed away and I was now fitting to be called a child of God. At least that was what I was learning at that age. I had to behave a certain way to be accepted by God. I am held to a higher standard now or God was going to punish me. My little mind could see this big chalk board in heaven with my name on it. There was a huge hand that had a marker in it and each time I messed up, this hand would make a single mark on the board. When I prayed and asked God to forgive me, if he felt I really meant it and I deserved it, that hand held an eraser and it wiped away the marks. That is how I saw God, a score taker. He was waiting to punish me according to organized religion. If I deserved His forgiveness, then it would all be wiped away. This was how God would determine if I was justified to go to heaven. I wasn’t taught about being covered by grace or mercy. I wasn’t taught that I was human and not perfect. Instead I felt a lot of pressure to always do the right thing or I was going to get it from God.
I have to admit that regardless of my skewed thinking, I loved hearing my preacher teach us a sermon. And often times, as a child I would role play and mimic brother Decker. I would stand on a table in our backyard and pretend to be brother Decker. I would have my mother’s bible and I would hold it just the way he did. When the spirit was moving, he would place his finger between the pages and shut the bible. He would smack it and wave it around. The entire time he would be in a crouch position marching around the front of the church. He elongated his words and at the end of every sentence he echoed the last word as most Pentecostal preachers would. Oh how I loved to pretend to be brother Decker. I wanted to preach like that. I wanted to feel God’s love for me the way brother Decker seemed to be loved by God. I was certain that brother Decker didn’t have any marks on his board. I wanted my board to look like his. I sure wish I would have known God’s truth concerning love, grace and mercy back then. It sure would have eliminated a lot of guilt I carried for many years.
Hindsight is 20/20. I look back now and I firmly believe early exposure to God is pivotal. As do I believe the type of organized religion is detrimental to God’s truth. I can say from experience that making time to fellowship as a child is important. Regardless to the reasons I went to church, it was good that I learned to set aside time for God. I was too young to understand the depths of my salvation, but I gathered the basic knowledge about God, Jesus and heaven. I feel strongly about building a firm foundation with God as a youngster. Being responsible and making time for him in prayer and fellowship were my building blocks. I had the general concept that I was in a relationship with God, though I couldn’t see him. I learned to have faith for the things I could not see. I learned to have hope for the things that seemed hopeless. I learned to forgive rather than harbor hate. These were tools and behaviors I would take with me into my adulthood. I can’t imagine not being taught about God and his creation. I can’t imagine not being taught how to pray or what I could pray for. I can’t imagine being a teenager and not having a relationship with God. Though I had a strained relationship with him because of what I was being taught about my sexuality. It was I that pulled from God and not he that pulled from me. I look around at the children of this century and there are so many that haven’t a clue about God. This saddens my soul.
If I were a betting person, I would bet that I was not the only gay person to face that dilemma. I could fill up 500 pages concerning my feelings of betrayal. I could write extensively concerning the choices I made without rationalizing the consequences. All because I felt that if I were going to hell anyway, why did any of it matter? What I really yearned for was an unconditional relationship with God, for him to accept me the way he created me.
The day all of this changed for me was the day after my maternal grandmother passed away. Grandma Knoxie was one of the most docile people you would ever meet. She never met a stranger nor did she have anything negative to say. She was optimistic about life and all of Gods creatures. The irony between my two grandmothers has brought a loud and profound message to me. As opposite as any two people could live their lives but follow Christ, these two lived life differently. The astounding fact is that both paths ultimately lead them to their final resting place with God. I firmly believe that. The day after grandma Knoxie passed away, I was lead to the book store by the Holy Spirit. I really didn’t have a purpose. I had been thinking about buying a bible, something I would be able to read and comprehend. I still recall the light feeling I had when I walked into the store. I recall wondering why I was going to the store at that particular moment. It was just a weird experience. It was as if I were on autopilot. I walked to the shelves of books and scanned the rows of bibles. I reached in without a hesitation and plucked The Message by Eugene Peterson from the shelf. I glanced through a couple pages to make sure I could read it. It was written in the simplest form. I read a little about the author and the process of collection to put this translation together. I was satisfied. I read the entire New Testament in one month. I could not put it down. Once again I felt liberated.
Now we get into the biblical aspect of things. There are so many things to talk about, so many points to make. My experience has been that organized religion has run people away from God. Organized religious teachers have beat people down with bible passages and sermons. They even have the audacity to conclude their teachings as truth and the sinner’s guilt as the reason for the ‘falling away’ from God. They declared that tough love and no tolerance are the methods for saving souls. We are all sinners, even the one’s declaring no tolerance. No tolerance is such a non sense term. It isn’t about being tolerant or diluting the truth. It is about each person being uniquely created by God for his purpose. It is about a real relationship between each individual and God. As well intended as the religious agenda is, it is not appropriate to claim that homosexuals will never enter into heaven.
When Jesus sat at the table with sinners, religious leaders had a lot to say about his tolerance too. Jesus made it rather clear that he came to do away with their non sense thinking and organized religious control over his people. He came to be the living example as to how we should love and live. The law his people lived under was there to show their sin. Rather than living by old rituals and sacrifices, Jesus became the sacrifice. His example and purpose was to take our sin, which began with Adam and Eve, and take that sin to the cross. Becoming the final sacrifice allowed his people to become right with God once and for all.
Christ fought the Pharisees and Sadducee's for the same reason the human race is fighting organized religion today. They are manipulating God’s law to control people, instill fear and promote their own agenda. This manipulation makes it impossible for any person to actually be free. Jesus was a threat to all the things these leaders and rulers had accomplished over the years. Jesus came to help us veer back on track with God’s original plan. He came to expose the tweaks that mankind placed on God’s law. Jesus Christ wanted unity, forgiveness, and love from the heart and to reunite us with God himself.
What I learned by reading the New Testament for myself, without someone else’s interpretation, was that I was covered by grace. I couldn’t earn it nor could I buy it. There aren’t any applications or any qualifications for God and me to have a relationship. The Pharisees and Sadducee's treated mankind the same way organized religion is treating the homosexual people. Not only the homosexual people but all of mankind. The sad thing is religious people have read these stories and criticize these leaders and rulers but are doing the same thing. I see it, I felt it, and I lived it. I finally understood that my natural attraction was not the same sexual abomination written about and used to run me away from God. So the question is, what does the bible really say about homosexuality?
The writings discovered throughout the centuries was written in three languages: Greek, Aramaic and Hebrew. One must also keep in mind the language varied from region to region. A word may have a different meaning entirely from region to region. As with all words, they are derived by mankind describing things. To see something, to know something and to understand something there must be a word to describe and give it meaning. That is true with any language. To interpret a situation and describe it in words, also will vary due to customs and beliefs. Therefore, I think it is safe to say that belief systems are built based on culture, circumstance, customs, interpretation coupled with common knowledge. In laymen terms it means that beliefs change over time all over the world based on individual interpretation and experiences.
What does all that mean? In the beginning God created mankind to inhabit the earth. He gave us the privilege to name all things under heaven. Mankind could name everything his eye had seen or his hands had touched. Man named the inhabitant itself along with all the creatures of land and sea. Giving each created thing a word that represented it. As man sinned and was removed from the Garden of Eden, he faced many trials because of his sin. Now sin is in the world and it too must have a name, so the action of not obeying God’s law has been named sin. And so on goes the task of terms and meaning.
I am not a bible scholar nor have I claimed to be. I am an average person with an average education. I have read the New Testament three times using a different contemporary version each time. I have my own interpretation of the content I have read. Each time I would sit to read, I would ask God to allow my human mind to grasp his word and reveal to me his meaning. I would ask the Holy Spirit to whisper the meaning into my soul for wisdom, courage and understanding. And through the Holy Spirit, I have asked God to help me write this book. I began writing it several years ago but was not spiritually mature enough to finish it. It is all about God’s timing and not my own.
My heart’s desire is to help each person that has strayed from God to return and develop a relationship with him. For people to understand that a circumstance does not divide you from the love of God. For people to understand that someone else’s interpretation of the bible does not determine where you spend eternity. To understand that people giving you a label then excluding you from fellowship is unfair. Most importantly I want people to understand that God is not handing out applications for eternity. You do not have to wait on that phone call to be qualified or disqualified. I promise you this as a child of God, that I am certain of one thing. If you come back to God, began to pray and seek. Open up to God in prayer on a daily basis about everything. To decide you will include Him in your everyday walk. Make an effort to make better decisions as a productive citizen. Once you decide to do these things, you will be walking with God and have developed a relationship with him. At that point, no man and no sin will come between you and God. It is between you and God only. He is your creator. The person telling you that you are going to hell for being gay, is an interpreter of God’s word. They are not God. I understand they love your soul and want to make sure you are going to spend eternity in heaven. Out of fear these people are afraid to mislead you from what their interpretation is.
The truth of the matter is that we are all made uniquely by God. He is the creator and we are created for his purpose. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was attracted to the same sex before I even knew it wasn’t acceptable by society’s standards. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I tried to make myself like the opposite sex. I loved and have been loved by the opposite sex, but it was not natural for me. I know this and God knows this. It has taken me a very long time, but I have finally accepted that God and I are okay with one another. I would sin against my natural desire if I were to live a life that society deems to be ‘normal’. The bible says “Even the women turned from their natural ways and desired one another”. The problem with that entire sentence deals with lust and not natural desire. The reader must acknowledge that lust and natural desire are two separate words and two separate meanings.
I am disheartened by the agenda pushed by organized religion. They have studied God’s word. They have used the resources to extract the original meaning. They have more knowledge than the average reader. Yet they refuse to acknowledge that ultimately God has the final say about homosexuality. Their skewed interpretation of bible is declared as accurate. To accurately explain the word homosexuality, the reader should know that it was disrespectful acts by warriors after battle to demean the captured opponent. It was also used to explain sexual lust and desires, rather than the natural attraction of a person. Once again, a word had to be used to describe these acts. Since it was an act between the same sexes, the word homosexual was inserted. Little regard was made to the natural attraction when they used this term so loosely.
These educated teachers want to stick to God’s original plan of man was made for a woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that teaching and concept. But to accept God’s original plan a person must also accept that Adam and Eve sinned, therefore sin entered into the world. When a person accepts that, they must also accept the teaching declaring from that moment on, God’s original plan for mankind and the human race changed forever. God didn’t change it, he created man and allowed mankind to decide for himself. When Adam and Eve chose for themselves to eat from the tree of knowledge and disobey God, they exercised a gift that God had given them, free will. With that decision, mankind would not know a sinless life. Mankind will now reproduce imperfect offspring born into sin.
Christ was not born of human offspring, he was born of the spirit. Christ was not born of sinful reproduction from man. He was perfect, a sinless God in human flesh. When a person can accept that offspring is imperfect and can fathom the reality of how complex the human DNA really is, they can now understand individualism. Beginning with the first offspring until the present time, imperfect reproduction has produced a variety of human beings. Reproducing things from within that can not be seen by the human eye. Reproducing things outwardly that can be seen by the human eye. Take a look around our universe at the variety of things in mankind that have changed the DNA makeup. If they can accept the existence of each individual’s uniqueness, then why can’t they accept the DNA makeup of individualism of natural attraction? If they can accept their own individualism of natural attraction, then why can’t they accept a natural attraction to the same sex? The same individuals that cannot accept the natural attraction of the same sexes will however accept the natural characteristic of an antisocial individual. How difficult is it to put all of this knowledge together and realize that we are complex human beings. Complex enough to be heterosexual, homosexual, antisocial, introvert, extrovert, bipolar, depressed, autistic, down syndrome and a slue of other individualism. Some of these characteristics are derived from life experiences, some are not. Some of these things are in our DNA makeup that life experiences had absolutely nothing to do with. People are rather accepting of chemical changes in an individual. People are rather accepting of neurological changes in an individual, and so on. These changes occur from offspring to offspring and passed on to each individual. How can anyone accept all of these facts and overlook the fact that a person is born with a natural instinct to be attracted to the same sex? How can that fact be overlooked and scrutinized, even by teachers and leaders that accept all the other facts mention?
God has spoken and you will find his truth within the complied pages written by prophets. But as a reader and a believer there is a responsibility to know all the facts. To acknowledge that translations are used to bring God’s word current enough to cross barriers and bring understanding. It is a responsibility for teachers and believers to not accept a verse or passage used to exclude God’s children without researching and finding the truth. It is a teacher and believers responsibility to stand up for the truth regardless at how it will shake belief systems and cause controversy. As a society we get lazy and allow other people to do the research for us and then accept what has been presented as truth. We go to church and spend one hour in fellowship and accept that what is being taught must be accurate. You must realize that we are human and we will make human mistakes. Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker can verify to that fact. Put your faith in God and know that you are uniquely created. Do not put your faith in mankind because of what he says is the gospel truth. Read, seek, pray and research by spending time with God and he will reveal to you the things your heart already knows. Then your faith will make your walk with God a confident and everlasting one.
Each individual will develop their own belief system. Be confident that God loves you and desires a relationship. Based on things that have been taught and belief systems, people are hesitant to develop a relationship with God. The reasons vary as much as the beliefs concerning who is acceptable to God. A common used reason for delaying a relationship with God is a person feels they have to stop sinning first. People feel they have to stop cussing, drinking, using drugs and many other habits before God will even listen to them. That is the furthest thing from God’s truth. Once again, organized religion has excluded people, preventing people from wanting a relationship with God. God wants you to come to him just as you are. When you began to pray, seek, read and trust God, you will begin to change from the inside. The habits and things you want to change will come about in time. The truth you seek will be revealed in God’s perfect timing. Do not let teachers and people exclude you. God’s love is all inclusive.
Every belief system has points to argue concerning their interpretation. We often get caught up in the argument rather than accepting that as individuals we are created differently. We should remember that no one else can walk with God for me, except for myself. God and I have to build a relationship together. God and I must walk life’s journey together. In the end, God will be the one to decide if our relationship was everything it was meant to be. Laying aside all religious rhetoric and interpretive versions of God’s word, your heart and God’s love is what counts.
I don’t have the biblical right answer to all the controversial passages. I don’t intend to argue about those passages either. To study God’s word and seek for those answers with the guidance of the Holy Spirit will lead me to his truth for my life. He will do the same for your life. I ask you, are you ready to come back to God’s flock? Are you ready to open your ears and hear his voice? He has never left your side. He has continued to call your name and has patiently waited for your return. The bible says that when God finds that one lost sheep, he rejoices. The wolf of organized religion has ran you away from God and his flock. Be confident that his eyes were always on you. His hands were always surrounding you. Though you have been told otherwise, God has never forsaken you. You have been God’s lost sheep. God is the lover of your soul. Allow him to place you across his loving shoulders and carry you home.
To take the bible literally, you must read the words as they are written on the page without considering any factual components. Facts based on culture, era, and history of that particular time. Disregarding what was actually being addressed and what it was trying to say about those issues. The reader must also disregard how those issues have been addressed in the present, based on knowledge and science to confirm or deny credibility. I wonder how topics such as Autism, Bi Polar, Downs Syndrome, satellites, space shuttles, airplanes, coed college dorms, public restrooms or even cruise ships would have been addressed? One having a vision of such topics would have had a tough time describing it, none the less, explaining how times would change to address those issues. It is safe to say that accepting the bible as literal, is to accept many interpretations, even your own.
It is interesting to know the bible has been used by organizational groups in past and present, to literally justify bias. The literal translation of the word has been used to justify racial segregation, sexiest oppression of women, homophobia and slavery. Many examples throughout history can be chalked up to these prejudices and a ban of people reciting bible verses to fuel their agenda. The sad thing about that is, most people that stood on the principle of being biblically correct in that era, slavery for example, has since changed their opinion concerning that belief and found it unethical.
As a thinking person, do not assume the bible provides the last word. I feel that so many of us have had it pounded into our mind that God is omnipotent and omnipresent, therefore we must accept whatever answer we are provided by someone of a religious faith. Our minds are most always searching for an answer and we believe that if God is in fact all powerful, then there must be an answer somewhere. We look for signs or answers and sometimes are mislead because we are expecting that answer, it may never come so accept that. An answer is not always the fact of right or wrong. Understand that God is all powerful and all knowing and we are human. Many apostles and God loving people have passed from this life without answers. Assuming the bible has the last word on every subject, is not accepting that life is more complicated than that. Religious debates on divorce for example, most heterosexual people now justify it and their remarriage but will scoff at homosexuality. Let’s look at topics on interracial marriage, Mormon relationships, polygamy practices or celibacy. You will find many interpretations and religious beliefs on those subjects. Who is right and who is wrong? That is where many prejudices begin, with a simple question to a human need. There are so many factors that come into play with these topics. Factors of culture, history, philosophy, psychology, sociology, medical, spiritual and personal.
Generally speaking, the population has been taught that homosexuality is wrong. Homosexual people have been forced to choose between the core of who they are and their religion. Here is a fact, the bible supplies no real basis for condemnation on homosexuality. Social Science indicates that 2-4% of the population is exclusively homosexual. Scientific study has been underway for barely a century, it is already clear that sexuality goes to the core of a person. What does sexuality really mean? It is the same meaning for all human beings. So let’s define sexuality and what it entails. I read a passage that said “To have to be afraid to feel sexual is to restrain that noblest of human possibilities, love.” It could not have been said more perfectly.
Sexuality means much more than the physical arousal and orgasm, that is just one component of it. Also it means a person has the capacity to feel affection, to delight in someone else, to get emotionally close to another person and to be passionately committed to him/her. Sexuality is at the core of that marvelous human experience of being in love, to be awe struck by the beauty of another person. To be drawn out of yourself and attached to another human being that you began to measure your life in terms of what is important to someone else. That is a powerful connection. Sexuality is not about the act of sex, it is about the genuine attraction and affection you feel for another human being. Not every person finds it necessary to engage in sexual intimacy. But for those who do, and are afraid of their sexuality are constantly in hiding from their own selves. That fear has made many people choose between their sexuality and their religion, which means to choose between themselves and their love for God.
In regards to one’s sexuality and reading the bible, I would impress upon you to read the bible objectively, without opinion or bias while accepting the facts. To read the bible, a person will interpret as they read. If a reader is not interpreting, then the text on the pages are just words without meaning. For words to have a meaning, it must pass through someone’s mind. The process of it passing through someone’s mind is interpretation. Here is an example of reading a passage, either using all the facts to interpret or using just the literal interpretation. Ex: He is in left field. To just read it literally means that a male is in a field possibly on the left side. If that statement was made in Jesus’ ancient day, would it have had a different meaning than today? Definitely, because what was going on, what exactly was the author trying to say and what did the insinuation mean, exactly? In present day America that means someone (male or female) is not close to being accurate about any number of topics,situations, or ideas. And there are still yet, other interpretations as to what that means for individuals in different situations.
Using that example, in Jesus’ era, was baseball a sport? If not, and that statement was used, one must go back in that era to understand (factual, historical and cultural) what was being said. In today’s culture, it would be much easier to interpret the meaning after collecting the facts surrounding the situation. Here is a sensible question, since baseball was not invented nor discussed in the bible does that mean baseball is bad today? Or is it safe to say that cultures and era’s have changed and evolved because of technology and needs based on people and behaviors. Continued change from era to era means ideas, people, needs, desires, circumstances and so many more things have changed and evolved.
Another example I like to use is a biblical verse that people like to recite and assume it has just one meaning. Mathew, Mark and Luke will explain the actual meaning based on facts and not mere interpretation just by reading the text. “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom.” Easy one, right? Not so fast. Most people head straight for the obvious, declaring that a rich man becomes greedy and obsessed with his money and pride, if he isn’t giving it away to the needy and he is rather indulging his greedy wants and needs, it is impossible to go to heaven. And to prove it, if a camel can pass through the eye of a needle, then that rich man can enter the kingdom. Now let us get some facts from history, culture and era, and look at the phrase again. In that era, it was common for communities to build walls around their cities for protection and other cultural reasons. In Jerusalem, the city wall had small narrow openings, one in particular was called ‘The Eye of the Needle’. When caravans entered through these openings, the camels had to be unloaded and led through the opening crouching down.
Once the camel was on the other side of the wall, the camel was reloaded with the items. Taking in the facts, era and history, one would understand the walls were for protection for the communities confined within the walls. The narrow passages prevented combat rivals from just riding into the city on horseback, as well as, other obvious reasons for the usage of small entrances. To arrive at your own interpretation now, with more information would help you to conclude it isn’t as cut and dry as you originally thought. One could conclude that if a rich man unloads his greed and humbles himself, he can keep what he has acquired and enter the kingdom. That is only one interpretation, however, quiet different than you thought with the cut and dry text on the page without the facts. I encourage each reader (myself included) to be more informed before concluding what is right and wrong and condemning people by text and interpretation. Also know that the authors were humans and inspired by God. God used their humanity and culture to express divine wisdom.
Literal interpretations of slavery are in Philemon, Ephesians, Colossians, 1 Timothy and Peter. It all supports slavery, but ask a literal reader today how they feel about slavery and I would assume their response would be to disagree with oppression. Can we conclude that critical history, era and culture have changed concerning that topic? Definitely, so what do we do with the literal text and meaning? If it is good for one topic, why can’t we table more pressing issues that oppresses humanity dealing with sexuality?
How about the topic of divorce? Take it literally, Jesus isn't to happy with it in Mathew, Mark and Luke. Look how many blended families, twice married religious leaders we have. Do you think critical history, era and culture have anything to do with it? Definitely. Times have changed, did the authors foresee this coming as pressing issues of current times? Doubted. God inspired, He knew it was coming, could you imagine the authors in ancient history attempting to describe all the in’s and out’s as to how we live in a blended spiritual family and world today? Do you think those authors would have been dragged from the city and stoned to death for the mere utterance of such a probability? I would guess that author would be stoned along side of the adulteress.
Let us look at Adultery. Considering the history, era and culture, one should know that women were men’s property. It was also big business for a father to have many virgin daughters to trade. In that culture, a man could have many wives, but a woman could only have one husband. The man could be having sexual relations with many women but the woman was having sexual relations with just one man. Women did not select their husbands, therefore, she was having sexual relations with a man she wasn’t even in love with, but forced to be with intimately while he was with many other women. Adultery was committed when a man felt a woman offended him because of her vow to him in the marriage. Now how fair is that and how can that be loving and humane? By today’s culture, how well would that work in the marriage, in the court of law and spiritually? So, do we take just the homosexual part of the bible literally and practice prejudice but omit adultery because times have changed? Do we continue the prejudice against homosexuality but condone divorce and remarriage because they are Christian and were in a bad marriage or maybe weren’t spiritually mature at the time? Condemning one and condoning another is still tolerance and prejudice. If God has so much emphasis on a sexual sin, then why condone a marriage of convenience when the woman didn't' have the right to say no. Do you believe that God is that uncaring to condemn a loving intimate relationship of same sex or interracial? Absolutely not! You have to stop at some point and recognize the bible does not have the last word, God does.
I want to make a point at this juncture. King David, wrote all of the Psalms. The lover of God's heart and the gleam in God's eye. He saw Bathsheba bathing from his window and lusted for her. He called her over, swept her off her feet, impregnated her, sent her husband to the front lines of the battle to be killed just so he could hide the pregnancy and married her. Are they in heaven? Certainly. Why because they were able to repent from their sins and stay married but since they were heterosexual God let them walk on in the pearly gates but slams it shut on the gay couple that loved one another and shared an honorable life together. You have got to be kidding me to believe such religious rhetoric! Our God is not like that. Let us add the fact that he already had 6 wives before lusting after Bathsheba and doing the unthinkable. So David and all 6 wives get to be confident of their eternity but I have to beg for mine and hope I am right? It is completely asinine.
Now that you have a little knowledge concerning women as property in ancient history, let's talk about Sodom and Gomorrah. Anyone who has ever heard those two city names together has automatically associated it with homosexuality. The funny thing is, Sodom and Gomorrah had nothing to do with homosexuality at all. Lot was an outsider, the citizens permitted him to migrate and live there. One of the reasons that walls were built around the cities was to keep their wealth in and the poverty out. The book of Genesis explains their sin which was they did not allow strangers into their community, they let the poor beg outside their gates and did not feed them. Christ told his disciples to go preach the good news and do not take even a change of clothes because when they entered a city someone would take them into their home and if they wouldn't, it will be easier for Sodom and Gomorrah to enter the kingdom than that particular city. When the angels went to Lot and he accepted them into his home, the citizens didn't want those strangers in their community. When they went to Lot's house and demanded him to turn over the strangers to them so they might know (and that word " know" has been translated to say rape) them, Lot offered his daughters instead. Once again, women were property and Lot also knew that if a hair was harmed on the angels head that he would be responsible. If the men in that community were going to sodomize the strangers, whichwas their tradition to demean an enemy, then why make it about homosexuality. They weren't gay men wanting to have relations with the angels, it was heterosexual men and if Lot felt the angels were in fact going to be harmed and sodomized, he offered his daughters instead. I find it interesting that people extract two passages, this particular one and one that mentions the citizens were so full of lust that they turned to one another's wives and to the same gender. Those extracted passages are mere acts of lust and sexual act, not a sexual orientation. Therefore, homosexuality isn't being addressed but the acts are. There was so much pride, greed, lust and perversion within the community, but people want to hinge their condemnation on something that isn't even the issue.
The bible was written approximately 500 years after Christ’s death. The Romans chose the writings of Paul and selected 66 books to combine the book we know as the bible. Since then, many translations of translations have been written. Is it the inspired word of God? Absolutely. We are not stuck in that century and God is using his finger to guide progress. He is still in control. We humans have described God as many different ways as we have described Santa Claus. We try to make God human by adding all these human characteristics and putting God in a box. Just the same, we try to find answers for things because we feel there has to be one. And when we do both, we complicate what Jesus paid the price for. We complicate grace and mercy. We build walls and prejudices. Which religion is going to Heaven and which one’s are not? Which race is God’s chosen people and why was everyone else Gentiles? Complicating things that are irrelevant to God’s love. Fearing things you do not understand. Afraid to stand up for a human being because you are afraid of being considered tolerant. My, oh my, what have we created?
In a nutshell, God really is working in human history, not just floating above. You must take history and God’s work seriously and as history in progress. God guides the process and things really do change. Life is not locked into the first century nor is everything that has progressed written about in the bible. Times do change and answers to contemporary issues aren’t written so obvious and blatant in the text. We should apply the lessons of the past to the issues of today, being sensitive to God’s spirit. Use our human hearts and minds and relying on our God given spirit to decide what the bible requires in the situations we now face.
Acknowledge that sexual orientation is not a sex act. A sexual act can be wrong because it can create chaos, lust, prostitution, infidelity and the list goes on. Categorizing sexual orientation in a particular sex act does not define the orientation, just the act itself. If the bible didn’t address the orientation of a mutual affection and attraction between the same genders, yet only described the sex act, how can one conclude God is against it? Where is the wisdom in being human, and what requirement does God have for those at the core of who they are? Again, to conclude that God did not foresee this world wide reality is absurd. I say world wide reality because in every culture across the globe, you will find at the core of a human culture, homosexual orientation. To read the word and not look at the critical history of facts would be to limit your understanding and limit clarity. Does God really condemn what we know today as homosexuality as an orientation? Look at the word in original historical context, evaluate the evidence with an open mind and heart, text by text. You decide.
So many examples of critical history to shed light on what the subject was actually addressing, that translations have adopted modern terms for. Distorting the original context, then we beat one another over the head with passages. People die without knowing God, Christ or the Holy Spirit because they have been repeatedly told they are hell bound. God’s sheep has been scattered by distortion, translation and interpretation because the common reader has the bible dictated to them in service and never pick the book up to read for themselves. Proclaiming it is too hard to read and understand, but when you purchase a contemporary version to help you comprehend then you are condemned for reading the ’watered down’ version. Rules and more rules, how do you know which one is right? God has given you a heart that instinctively knows right from wrong. We are born into this world and from day one we are programmed by our surroundings, developing our belief system and prejudices. It is a learned behavior to be prejudice. I pray that you find the peace you are looking for in whatever brought you to look at this page. Pray, believe and expect because you are a child of God. Be careful what you believe, and always seek His truth for your life. There are only two people that can make the walk to eternity for you, that is you and God. May God bless you, heal you and place you across his shoulders to bring you home, you have been lost long enough. You are God’s lost sheep.
I want to conclude by saying that I have always loved God. Society told me that God didn't love me enough to allow me to be the way He created me. That made me feel like God was a bully and I never truly trusted him. How could I trust someone that I wasn't sure if He loved me or not. If I couldn't trust Him, then how could I truly love him and have peace? Only recently have I realized that He isn't a bully and he is accepting of my sexual orientation. Thank you God.
Reference and great book to read 'What the bible says about homosexuality' by Daniel Helminiak, PhD and Episcopal Bishop John Spong
Here are some thoughts to ponder, as humans, we perceive something that leads to an emotion. Depending on our belief system at that moment, our emotion will dictate to us a feeling of right or wrong, good or bad. Our daily lives are full of these encounters, so throughout the day we will literally have hundreds of thoughts, perceptions, and emotions that hinge on belief. But remember, just because you believe something firmly, doesn’t make it true or right. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. More than anything, do not trust your beliefs more than that inner voice from God.
We all feel like we have to live the most straight laced and upright life in order to be justified to be called a child of God. Wow, that is a lot of pressure we put on ourselves, but we had to learn it somewhere, don’t you agree? Who taught us that we had to live by the letter of the law or God was not going to see fit to call us a child of God? Rules, rules and more rules. Who will ever be justified or even stay motivated enough to do it without getting depressed or feeling the burden too heavy? Then the guilty feelings begin to creep in and we really feel the pressure to perform, or the easier choice would be that we can just throw our hands up and walk away from God because it is just to hard. And we are scattered again, his flock disseminated by rules and interpretation.
We must learn that the bible doesn’t teach us to follow rules, it is there to show us how ugly our sin is when we try to be independent from our creator. It explains to us what God is like and how we should live, ultimately it is there to show us our sin. So what is the bottom line there, with the bible, our independence and sin? To know that you are human and created by God. You are not perfect and you will never be. If you walk independently from God, you are subject to be judged by every ‘do not’ and ‘shall not’ because you are not covered by mercy and grace. If you choose a relationship with God and began to walk with Him in your faith, by mercy and grace and what Christ accomplished here on earth, you have been redeemed. God and only God will judge you by the standards he created you and not the laws in the book written and translated over the centuries. The rules and laws can not answer the deepest questions formed by your heart, but the living answers in God can and will. Praise His holy name for that.
Let us address the issue of judging, this is a very tough subject so let’s make it clear what it is really all about, ok? Jesus is the only person to ever live exactly by the law and he did so by relying completely on God. We as humans have the toughest time ever in relying on God because we are very independent and most always have to add our two cents to things, only complicating things. I am the worlds worst at that. I do not submit very well. The bible shows you what sin looks like. Christ came to earth, lived it perfectly and made a very sinful world right with God, once and for all. Showing us that only by relying fully on God, can we find the relationship and living answers for our unique walk with Him. Christ laid the demand of the law to rest so that it no longer has power to accuse or command over us. Jesus is the promise and fulfillment. Here is where it gets fuzzy for people. In Jesus, you are not under any law. But most people who are now free of the law are so very afraid of freedom, thinking surely it isn’t this easy and they began to complicate the process again. When you are fearful, you aren’t completely trusting that God is sufficient. I too, battle with this, it is so hard to wrap our human minds around that. When we try to live by the law, we are actually trying to take back control of our independence, not trusting that Jesus has already completed the work.
Living by the law gives us power and not freedom. When people began to force you to live by the law, or shun you from their churches because you are twice married or gay, they are exercising their power of judgment over you, with the letter of the law and not by the redemption of what Christ has completed. By obeying the law, it grants power to judge and feel superior over others. When you choose to live like that you began to believe you are living at a higher standard than those you judge. Enforcing rules, because of one’s agenda, expectation or interpretation is an attempt to create law and rules. Rules can not bring freedom, it only has the power to judge and accuse.
I ask that when you decide for someone else, who is or is not a child of God that you question where you first heard and believed your truth. Before you use the passage from the bible saying that you have a responsibility to judge others so that they may see their sin and turn from it, you seek God’s living answer before breaking someone’s spirit. The responsibility you have as a child of God is to walk your path with purpose and love. Realize you will never have all the answers nor will you have understanding that surpasses God’s grace. Loving without judgment is not tolerance, it is being inclusive. You must realize that neither you nor the word has the final say on any topic or redemptive soul, that belongs to God. That should bring about a sigh of relief.
Often I have wondered why are we here and what the purpose of God is. Wondering why all the rules of right and wrong, do they really play into the bigger picture? Why only 66 epistles were placed into the Christian bible while many others were deemed inaccurate? Why was God so angry and jealous in the Old Testament? Why all the mystery? Why all the confusion with religion backbiting one another? Why so many translations and interpretations that divide people and nations? My main question has always been why we are here and what is going on?
I have been on a spiritual journey for approximately 18 years. I have read the New Testament 3 times. I have read epistles from the Old Testament. I have garnered information from many denominations, spiritual leaders, and other cultures; without naming all the different customary beliefs. I have read many books concerning law of attraction, religion, enlightenment, meditation, chakras, and eastern/western ideology. I have dabbled a bit in each, wondering why so many belief systems under one God with many other gods. Do not stop reading because I mentioned other gods, bare with me without religious persecution.
On this journey I have learned so much. I have learned that praying, fasting and giving are spiritual avenues that bring a person into a more intimate relationship with God. I have made an effort to do these things for revelation and a more intimate relationship. I must say that fasting has stimulated a multitude of emotions, intellect and understanding in a way I never dreamed. There are many points I want to make and share, but as of now I have only one goal; to give an overview of the broader picture. Once one can grasp the broader picture, I would then like to break down the smaller pieces of this purpose in a supplemental writing.
In the beginning God created heaven and earth. God has always been and always will be. God is a creator above and beyond anything else. God is both masculine and feminine, being more masculine on the exterior and more feminine on the interior, therefore God is referred to us as He. There are many examples of this throughout the Christian bible when God is creating. One will see the masculine qualities of building by dimension and materials chosen. The feminine qualities displayed by the decoration and ornaments chosen. The masculine God is holding the entire planetary systems in place with his hand. The feminine God is intermixing in our daily existence as any mother would for her children.
Understanding that God is a creator, not a created. He didn’t just create and stop. God is continually creating. That is why we have miracles. Not just healing but outright miracles. God created these bodies and he can definitely recreate, restore or renew it. Knowing that God is a creator, the bible says God created all of heaven and earth. It also states that God had a scroll in his hand sealed with seven seals before the heavens and earth were ever created. God gave Jesus the scroll after he ascended to heaven after the resurrection from the crucifixion. In the epistles of Daniel and Revelation, that is recorded. In Revelation when John is describing the contents of the scroll, he was forbidden to reveal what was in the seventh seal. Some scholars believe God had written the story (book of law and life) of his creation from beginning to end, concerning heaven and earth. Displaying he knew how all created beings would embrace or abuse the gift of freewill.
Knowing that fact gave me a peace at mind because I have to admit I had been a little perturbed with God. I often tried to read the Old Testament but became appalled at all the destruction, anger, jealousy and wrath from God that I couldn’t see past to all the loving and merciful things. Religion had taught me that God knew everything, created everything and there was a reason for everything and I should not question it. Well, I apologize because my mind questions everything and looks for validity in all things. I have since discerned that religion didn’t want me to ask because they then loose control. Knowing that God is faithful to answer, if controlled into not asking then I wouldn’t expect an answer from God. Hence, the bible truth of “ask, seek and knock and it shall be given to you.” I was programmed to have blind faith and accept something my mind couldn’t wrap around, therefore never giving me any roots in my walk with God.
When it was revealed to me that God had it all written down from beginning to end, I then realized the most important part of my lack of roots. I realized that I could not love nor trust a God that I didn’t know or understand. When I read the Old Testament and felt that God knew how we would behave and how he was going to punish us, I felt he was using us as puppets and that just didn’t seem like a loving God. When I read that we were to bow down and worship him I really became frustrated. I thought to myself that God knew all along how “he was going to play this thing out” and I was to be thankful, really! It wasn’t until I understood that God had it all written down that it finally came together. It wasn’t that way at all, God wrote it all down because he did see the beginning from the end. God knew he created the angels and man, giving us freewill. He knew how we were going to choose, embrace it or hoard with greed and abuse it. With each self righteous act of abuse, He wrote the punishment. It was only after the freewill and the need to purge the sin of it, did he write in his reaction because of their actions. All along I felt it was this Broadway play created, instead it was love at its finest. God created beings to spend eternity with him and gave us freewill. With that type of power any being (angelic or man) could be very dangerous and offset any perfect plan. Unless you allow it, purge it and renew it.
God created the angels first and fortunately he created them with less power than man. Though they are mighty, they are subjected to mankind. This is one reason the ‘fallen angels’ despise mankind. They too had freewill, abused it, wanted to be like God and did not love the shared power, they abused it. When they found out that God created man in their (God and all heavenly beings) likeness but more powerful, they became angrier. God knew the beginning from the end when he created heaven and everything in it, which he would have to give freewill and purge abuse of that power. Had he created angels more powerful than man, our spiritual struggle would be overwhelming. In God’s loving gift of freewill one angel decided to be more God like and less god like. All things created in Gods image is god like, therefore there are many gods, but one ultimate God. That angel deceived many other angels and found themselves purged from heaven so that sin was no longer there. Heaven has been given created beings with freewill. The heart of every created being in heaven was examined and tested. Sin was purged by the self importance, greedy, abusing power hungry spiritual beings called angels. Also known to mankind as Satan, devil, dragon, beast, fallen angel, fallen star and Lucifer.
That brought me to my next issue with God, why he would allow Satan to bring about so much chaos to his perfect created being, mankind? Once I understood the love and gift of freewill to the heavenly created being, I could then comprehend the process of purging earth of the abuse, which is sin. It isn’t difficult to rationalize that concept. If one truly loves something there isn’t manipulation, lies, disrespect, violence, offense, distrust, hatred, control, bondage and multitudes of other freedom hindering actions. Elevating oneself to an entitled position brings about expectation. Equality will squash and bring entitlement into submission. Each of us are created in their image and has creative power (hence laying hands to heal and casting out demonic spirits) as a god. The purging to bring equality in heaven and appreciation for who you truly are and a purpose to serve. The purpose of allowing the fallen angels to intermix is God not removing their created freewill even though they have been cast out of heaven. Those angels know that Gods promise of forever separating them from him will conclude one day. The good news is we are created above the angels and are not subject to them, the only thing Satan can have is what you allow him to take from you. The reason we so freely give to him is due to the way religion has controlled us and beat us down. When you fear hell because of rules and laws, you become enslaved. A person is told all their life they are going to hell for drinking, cussing, premarital sex, homosexuality, gluttony, gambling and a host of other things; one eventually feels like a failure and sees God as a tyrant control freak and heaven unattainable. Our flesh is weak but our spirit is strong. The world caters to the flesh and it wars against our spirit. God knows your heart and knows what the world has done to each of us to program a destructive pattern. Give God your heart and a relationship and the spirit will guide you on an individual journey of truth.
I ask each reader to consider that God is a creator and decided to create beings to share eternity with him. He created the first beings as gods for the heavens. Giving them the beautiful gift of freewill, knowing some would want more and not appreciate the given power of equality. God purged heaven from that abuse of power so that heaven would become the perfect place for eternity. Being a creator, God created again and this time he created man more in their likeness. God gave the beautiful gift of freewill and again has to purge abuse of power. I hope one doesn’t think that heaven is already created and waiting “as is” upon arrival. Instead it will be one continuous creation for eternity. The scriptures say “eye has not seen, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has created for him.” The reason we cannot imagine is because it will continue to create. Imagine all the things one could do here for entertainment and recreation, funny how the word recreation actually is re create. All the Amy Grant’s of the world putting on live concerts, the Joel Osteen’s providing inspiration. Wings with flight and horses with chariots. Story time with Moses, Abraham, Mary, David and all the prophets. First hand accounts of prophecy as told by grandparents of the “days of old”. Swimming the most beautiful streams with sand between your toes that no man has trodden upon. Lounging with lions and tigers without fear of attack. I laugh at how some people believed they would be lounging on clouds all day with a harp. I ask you to understand that God loves you and has given you the gift of freewill. We all should be more loving, trusting, humble and giving. Perfecting our spirit for what is to come and not indulging in every whim the world has to offer. Things are coming to a close in this world for a one world government, monetary system and religion. One should open their eyes to the fact that an evil presence does exist and is right under our nose with religion, entertainment and loss of freedoms.